How Do I Stop Myself From Comparing and Judging Myself?

April 14, 2009 tracyliebmann

Readers Question

Dear Tracy,

How do I stop myself from comparing to all the other, “better,” unschoolers? Here we are, all letting our kids have the individuality the school system tries to stamp out of them, but yet, I can’t help but feel (and some of the online–not real life–community seems to foster) this sense of a Set of Rules for How to Unschool that we all compare ourselves to (and online, get sometimes reamed for not measuring up to) and come up feeling short. How do I stop myself from comparing and judging myself, my parenting, my unschooling “style,” and my kids to others, and to that unattainable (to me, anyhow) standard? Is it just me? Or do others feel this way, too? And if they do, why don’t we talk about that more? Thanks,

Josie

Tracy’s Answer

How do you stop comparing and judging yourself? With self acceptance!  We are all different individuals, we have different needs, personalities, and backgrounds. We bring our own gifts and baggage along for the ride.

Acceptance is an interesting thing, we usually have to start with self and then it flows out toward everyone else. That being said, people who are judging or acting as though they are the all knowing are really just reflecting their own judgement of self. Usually unaware of their own lack of self acceptance. The same is true with judgment, if we judge another we are truly judging ourselves! I know I’m being a little tudy-fruity…airy-fairy here, yet if you take a moment and breathe deeply and soak it in, it really will help you to not focus on what others are thinking of you

I totally agree with you about the fact that some groups or communities preach this or that and in practice do not reflect their values. In this case of “unschoolers”, they preach freedom and respect with children, yet sometimes do not give each other the same treatment. As far as these groups go, I would take what I like and leave the rest. *TrusT* yourself first and foremost, You are the expert about Your Family!!

You are not alone, I have heard this from many people and have experienced it myself! Online groups love to talk about the good stuff and if anyone brings something challenging to the table they attack or avoid. I’m sure even the “Guru’s” have bad days, but they never seem to talk about it. It’s like the “family secret” in the community…it’s there…yet no one is talking openly. It sound like you have a supportive local community and for that you are LUCKY! Enjoy them and leave the rest!

I also think IF it would help you, not hurt you, start talking about it. Talk about it on the groups or start your own I’m sure lots of people would benefit from knowing not everyone is ”perfect”.

*REMEMBER*

Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance!!!!!!!

Entry Filed under: Mom Support!

2 Comments Add your own

• 1. lis  |  April 27, 2009 at 2:36 am

  i surely can relate to this, josie & tracy, both online and IRL…as for IRL unschoolers, it seems like most of the ones in my area here know how to cook well, sew well, knit well, applique, crochet, play instruments, etc. and many of them also have quite a tad more money than i do. they travel a LOT together & are able to afford to do things I cannot & also more frequently. They are a very crafty bunch.

  I have found myself withdrawing from meet ups…especially the monthly MNO (moms night out) as the only one i attended seemed to be centered around sewing. no one was really talking about unschooling specifically and were just kind of gathered around the sewing machine…i think they were making ATC cards or postcards (not sure who tehy were making them for or sending them too…i didn’t ask as i was so overwhelmed and consumed w/ beating myself up internally for not knowing many crafts that i’d LOVE to know).

  so. i can relate so much. but you know, it truly is all about judgment…judgement of others and mainly, judgement of ourselves cuz tracy is right…it all stems from that. easier said than done, i know. maybe if you are near any NVC/CC (non violent communication aka compassionate communication) classes near you, there is not only training and practice for empathizing and communicating w/ others (including your children) but w/ yourself…self empathy. there are also practice online groups…

  we all start somewhere i suppose. i know its hard to focus on your own family, all of your own gifts and skills and hobbies…all of the things each person in your family enjoys and does…and wants to learn.

  i’m working hard on my self esteem/acceptance these days. i am in an art therapy group and will be soon starting a DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and am taking a parenting class which surprisingly seems more focused on us parents meeting our needs so we can be there for meeting our kids needs… my life is very focused on this lately. i am also practicing alfie kohns’ alternative of ‘unconditional parenting’ and pam leo’s ‘connective parenting’, etc. i am NOT perfect by any means. i goof a lot. and i self-judge a LOT.

  i often will judge myself for my prolific ‘ramblings’ when i talk or write…esp. in regards to feelings i’m processing, or a situation or subject that is near and dear to my heart. usually there are many things i’m focused on improving and evolving from/with/to… this has obviously annoyed many people in my past both IRL and online. many have judged and criticized me…ridiculed even. ie. my signature says ‘wag more, bark less’. & one woman commented that i ‘bark less.’ i felt so awful. others were commenting that i must have drank a lot of coffee and might want to consider switching to decaf. you know what, though…i still judge myself for my wordiness…but i am slowly starting to self-accept that i LOVE WORDS. i love that there are SO MANY WORDS to express how we feel…what we want to convey. i personally do not like to summarize my thoughts and feelings. i like to have a stream of consciousness and it helps me process…maybe it helps others, too…i don’t know. if it annoys or triggers others, so be it. i am not going to own it anymore. i’m not a short winded girl. i just am not. i don’t wish to be. i am starting to really accept this about myself!!! and when the NVC leader of my class said of my list of feeling ‘words’, “wow, that’s a lot of words…” i tried my best not to take that as a judgement!!! (it was hard…and i still ponder it…to me, it WAS a judgement…but again, we all screw up…)

  i had no idea i had so many negative thoughts and feelings…i had no idea that many of what i thought were ‘feelings’ are what NVC calls ‘faux feelings’…they are thoughts, blame on others, truly. like for insance…

  i gotta go for now…but i wanted to give hugs…and support.

  Reply

• 2. lis  |  April 27, 2009 at 3:20 am

  hi its me again…thinking i am going to be seen/judged as a ‘pest’ but risking and being vulnerable and transparent… i have a lot to share. a lot of love to shower others with…and a tremendous passion for connective parenting and self love. yeah, its me…again. but…so what. whether its me…or its many people replying to a blog or whatever…its about quality, not quantity. i’ve decided that i’m going to do even better at embracing my self and that i matter. to myself and to others. those who are annoyed by my comment additions must not like something about themselves or something… lol i’m saying this to remind myself of anyone who might be judging me for replying ‘so much’. for thinking myself so important when i’m not a professional dear abby or trained coach or therapist. anyway. ok. i’ll shut up. lol can you tell i’m insecure a lot of the time? i’m working on it……….! this helps!

  i found this while browsing some new sites i’ve discovered via RUN and the life is good conference coming up again in vancouver, wa… i felt it really speak to me and my issue w/ others judging me for being inconsistent, etc. w/ my choices and interests and how i live my life, basically…….. i’ve judged myself, too. i’ve self sabotaged many a beloved pursuits (ie. professional photography, horseback riding…) due to my non self-acceptance and self judgement and over concern w/ others’ judgements of me. i have a strong desire to live my truth, my dharma so to speak…and yet i’m terrified to truly soar w/ it… i’m extremly humble yet i’m terrified to be transparent IRL too much. (i am very transparent, though…too often w/ the wrong people-people who really aren’t caring or interested).

  i thought i’d share this site/article as it really reminded me that i am who i am, how i am…and that is ok. especially when its ok with ME.

  http://authentictimes.com/askrain

  :O)

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