When my kids fight with each other, I feel angry
March 26, 2009
tracyliebmann
Tags: anger, fighting, kids, parenting, siblings, solutions
Hi Tracy, I found you from the Rethinking Education event. I have SIX daughters and my question is, when my kids fight with each other, I feel angry with both of them for being mean to each other. If I say anything to either of them, then it looks like I’m taking sides. If I ignore, it, they come to me wanting input. I try to stay out of it and say things like “Well, you both seem very angry” and they both end up angrier with me for not helping them work it out. Any ideas for dealing with this, without taking sides or stepping in too much? I just want them to go away when they fight, I hate the sound of it.
Tracy’s Answer
Good question and a couple of juicy tidbits 
First off, I have to commend you on your awareness that you feel angry when they fight. You are owning that, not blaming them by saying “they make me so mad”. It is also a juicy tidbit…a place where you can look inside yourself and try to find the root cause of your anger. This is my first suggestion…take a few quiet moments to be with yourself, grab a pen and paper, close your eyes and take three deep breathes and ask yourself the question “why do I feel angry when the girls fight?” Now, open your eyes and start writing, don’t think about what you are writing, just let it flow. Hopefully you will gain some insight into your own anger. Come up with an affirmation that you can remember and say to yourself the next time the girls fight. Example: “Even though I feel angry when the girls fight, I completely accept myself and I accept them” or “I know that when I was little I hated to hear people fight, it scared me, yet now I am grown up and there is truly nothing to be scared of , or angry about.” After you locate what is really bothering you and have a strategy to help yourself, you will be better able to help the girls 
The next part of this question is about how to help the girls during a fight. Everyone has different temperaments and personalities and in your case you have alot of people under one roof…so you have many more opportunities to have challenges <g>. So the first thing I would suggest is figuring out each persons needs, which girl wants your help to figure out conflicts and which girl wants you to stay out of it. Sometimes, usually often, we can not talk it out or reason well while in the midst of chaos, so we need to talk later after things have cooled down. Remembering that safety always comes first, yet if everyone is safe and they are not needing your help, it is totally fine just to stay out of it.
You are the “expert” on your children. Next time they have a fight, depending on who is involved precede accordingly. You will know what to do because you have talked with each of them privately about what they need from you during a conflict with their sisters. Here are some strategies that I hope will help…
Mom Strategies When Siblings Fight
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Stay calm and centered
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Make sure everyone is safe
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Assist when asked or when your mom intuition tells you to help
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When things calm down share strategies that you have learned over the years regarding conflict, the best way to “teach” our children the skills they need is to model them and share real life experiences!
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Help the kids talk it out when things have calmed, yet only if they are wanting to!
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Talk, Talk, Talk…share with them how you feel, what you noticed, what you need and request what you would like.
Here is an article I wrote about communication that might help http://www.transformingfamily.com/content/compassionate_communication.asp
Another resource: The Center For Non Violent Communication http://www.cnvc.org/
Please feel free to comment back and let me know if you found this helpful or tell us what worked or didn’t work for your family Thanks for writing and remember to subscribe to my blog by clicking on the “daily dose” tab in the right hand column!
Entry Filed under: Sibling Challenges
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