When my kids fight with each other, I feel angry

Hi Tracy, I found you from the Rethinking Education event. I have SIX daughters and my question is, when my kids fight with each other, I feel angry with both of them for being mean to each other. If I say anything to either of them, then it looks like I’m taking sides. If I ignore, it, they come to me wanting input. I try to stay out of it and say things like “Well, you both seem very angry” and they both end up angrier with me for not helping them work it out. Any ideas for dealing with this, without taking sides or stepping in too much? I just want them to go away when they fight, I hate the sound of it.

Tracy’s Answer

Good question and a couple of juicy tidbits First off, I have to commend you on your awareness that you feel angry when they fight. You are owning that, not blaming them by saying “they make me so mad”. It is also a juicy tidbit…a place where you can look inside yourself and try to find the root cause of your anger. This is my first suggestion…take a few quiet moments to be with yourself, grab a pen and paper, close your eyes and take three deep breathes and ask yourself the question “why do I feel angry when the girls fight?” Now, open your eyes and start writing, don’t think about what you are writing, just let it flow. Hopefully you will gain some insight into your own anger. Come up with an affirmation that you can remember and say to yourself the next time the girls fight. Example: “Even though I feel angry when the girls fight, I completely accept myself and I accept them” or “I know that when I was little I hated to hear people fight, it scared me, yet now I am grown up and there is truly nothing to be scared of , or angry about.” After you locate what is really bothering you and have a strategy to help yourself, you will be better able to help the girls

The next part of this question is about how to help the girls during a fight. Everyone has different temperaments and personalities and in your case you have alot of people under one roof…so you have many more opportunities to have challenges <g>. So the first thing I would suggest is figuring out each persons needs, which girl wants your help to figure out conflicts and which girl wants you to stay out of it. Sometimes, usually often, we can not talk it out or reason well while in the midst of chaos, so we need to talk later after things have cooled down. Remembering that safety always comes first, yet if everyone is safe and they are not needing your help, it is totally fine just to stay out of it. 

You are the “expert” on your children. Next time they have a fight, depending on who is involved precede accordingly. You will know what to do because you have talked with each of them privately about what they need from you during a conflict with their sisters. Here are some strategies that I hope will help…

Mom Strategies When Siblings Fight

• Stay calm and centered
• Make sure everyone is safe
• Assist when asked or when your mom intuition tells you to help
• When things calm down share strategies that you have learned over the years regarding conflict, the best way to “teach” our children the skills they need is to model them and share real life experiences!
• Help the kids talk it out when things have calmed, yet only if they are wanting to!
• Talk, Talk, Talk…share with them how you feel, what you noticed, what you need and request what you would like.

Here is an article I wrote about communication that might help http://www.transformingfamily.com/content/compassionate_communication.asp

Another resource: The Center For Non Violent Communication http://www.cnvc.org/

Please feel free to comment back and let me know if you found this helpful or tell us what worked or didn’t work for your family Thanks for writing and remember to subscribe to my blog by clicking on the “daily dose” tab in the right hand column!

Add a comment March 26, 2009

Cooperative Bedtimes?

For example…you ask your husband what he needs surrounding bedtime and he answers, “I want to go to bed around 10pm and I want it to be quiet in the house.” Then you ask the kids and they say,” I want to stay up until I finish this or that or watch XYZ and that is around midnight.” Next, you have to check in with Self…don’t forget to ask your Self what YOU need You are feeling flexible about time, but what you need is peace. Your goal is that everyone is happy and quiet, because you know your Husband will not be happy if things are loud and out of control. So now you have located the needs, next step is creative problem solving which means you should come up with some ideas of how to make all this happen, and ask the rest of the family for suggestions also.

My Ideas are…buy your husband a happy day gift, a sound machine or a small fan for the room he sleeps in, maybe even move his room to be in the back of the house or where ever he would be the furthest away from the noise of the children’s creative juices Talk to the kids about the needs of your Husband and yourself, ask them for suggestions, maybe they could play in their rooms with the door closed or down in the basement or rec room.

Add a comment March 24, 2009

Helping Children Adjust to New Baby

2 comments March 23, 2009

Welcome To The New Ask Tracy Blog

My hope here is to help parents find inspired, creative solutions to their family challenges

Add a comment March 23, 2009