To School or Not…Choices
Readers Question via e-mail 4-25-2009
ok. how do i merge my daughter from the waldorf school’s kindergarten she will be graduating from as of 6/10 this year into a radical unschooling life for her? i have a 6.5yo daughter and a 17 mo son. my daughter presently says she does NOT wish to be unschooled. i don’t think she is capable of choosing this for herself at age 6. and i don’t like the restrictions placed on her at the school. i told her jokingly yet meant truthfully as well… “you MAY sit if everyone else is standing. you MAY stand if everyone is sitting. you MAY pick your nose if you need to. you MAY fart if you need to. you MAY run free if you want to. you do not need to excuse yourself from a meal. you MAY add more water to your sand fun… etc.” she was laughing so hard. its so funny how the waldorf teachers talk to the kids…actually, its sad. its pathetic… tra la la la ‘you may’ and ‘you may not’. so. dumb.
did you take your kids out of school? i notice you’ve been RU for 5 years now.
thanks, tracy.
Tracy’s Answer
Hi! I totally understand where you are coming from, that “you may do this or you may do that” is very condescending in my opinion! You also can not come into unschooling from the stance of “I know what’s best for you” either. I believe we need to honor our children’s thoughts, ideas, emotions and decisions no matter what age. The reason being I want our children to be able to always stay in touch with their inner knowing, their true selves 
I also believe we, as their parents have plenty of experience and wisdom to share with them. I know I believe in unschooling and I am a trained teacher…lol! I hear that you believe in unschooling and I think that is awesome! I also hear that your daughter is not so sure about leaving school. She is very young and not able to fully understand the implications of what others are imposing on her, so of course she needs your guidance. The question lies in what kind of guidance does she need? She does not need us to be condescending like the school is being, I believe she needs to be heard and valued as I said earlier. I have some concrete suggestions;
- Ask her what she LOVES about school
- Ask her what she loves about being at home
- Ask her what she does not like about each
- You keep an active listening ear for clues as to what need is being met at school and how you could fill that need (or needs) at home!
- Don’t try to talk her into unschooling, I would not even worry about using the word unschooling, just say stay at home or homeschooling.
- If what she wants to do at home looks more like school at home in the beginning, just go with the flow. I’m guessing she will flow naturally to unschooling…most kids with a choice do!
Because she has gone to school, I’m guessing for a few years now, she has been indoctrinated into the system. You will have to be patient with her and empower her. To me that is one of the coolest things about unschooling, it is the idea of empowering our children to be in charge of their education and in charge of their lives…that just feels so right to me!
You asked about my families personal journey away from school, so I will share a little about how that looked for us. My son was also 6 and had be to Montessori type preschool, then started regular kindergarten. He lasted not all of 2 weeks and was brought home, he has sensory integration issues that made public school pretty much impossible for him to tolerate. He wanted to come home and it was a pretty smooth transition. My Daughter was 8 and in a charter Montessori school (who did not have kindergarten). She had always done well in school, preforming well (yuck) in their opinion, had lots of friends and did not want to come home that fall. She stayed in school until spring and decided on her own that she wanted to join us at home…YIPEE…I couldn’t have been happier So, I really did not have any kind of issue with her not wanting to be at home. I just supported her and let her know how I felt also, which is I would really love it if she came home!
Sometimes what we resist, persists. Maybe try to became more unattached to the whole thing. Relax and make being home with you irresistible!! Take care and have FUN!
4 comments April 26, 2009
Tags: choice, creative problem solving, homeschool, honor children, inner wisdom, school, unschool
How Do I Stop Myself From Comparing and Judging Myself?
Readers Question
Dear Tracy,
How do I stop myself from comparing to all the other, “better,” unschoolers? Here we are, all letting our kids have the individuality the school system tries to stamp out of them, but yet, I can’t help but feel (and some of the online–not real life–community seems to foster) this sense of a Set of Rules for How to Unschool that we all compare ourselves to (and online, get sometimes reamed for not measuring up to) and come up feeling short. How do I stop myself from comparing and judging myself, my parenting, my unschooling “style,” and my kids to others, and to that unattainable (to me, anyhow) standard? Is it just me? Or do others feel this way, too? And if they do, why don’t we talk about that more? Thanks,
Josie
Tracy’s Answer
How do you stop comparing and judging yourself? With self acceptance! We are all different individuals, we have different needs, personalities, and backgrounds. We bring our own gifts and baggage along for the ride.
Acceptance is an interesting thing, we usually have to start with self and then it flows out toward everyone else. That being said, people who are judging or acting as though they are the all knowing are really just reflecting their own judgement of self. Usually unaware of their own lack of self acceptance. The same is true with judgment, if we judge another we are truly judging ourselves! I know I’m being a little tudy-fruity…airy-fairy here, yet if you take a moment and breathe deeply and soak it in, it really will help you to not focus on what others are thinking of you
I totally agree with you about the fact that some groups or communities preach this or that and in practice do not reflect their values. In this case of “unschoolers”, they preach freedom and respect with children, yet sometimes do not give each other the same treatment. As far as these groups go, I would take what I like and leave the rest. *TrusT* yourself first and foremost, You are the expert about Your Family!!
You are not alone, I have heard this from many people and have experienced it myself! Online groups love to talk about the good stuff and if anyone brings something challenging to the table they attack or avoid. I’m sure even the “Guru’s” have bad days, but they never seem to talk about it. It’s like the “family secret” in the community…it’s there…yet no one is talking openly. It sound like you have a supportive local community and for that you are LUCKY! Enjoy them and leave the rest!
I also think IF it would help you, not hurt you, start talking about it. Talk about it on the groups or start your own 
I’m sure lots of people would benefit from knowing not everyone is ”perfect”.
*REMEMBER*
Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance, Self Acceptance!!!!!!!
2 comments April 14, 2009
Doctor Appointment Diasters!
Readers Question
This question comes from one of my coaching clients
My daughter (8) has issues with her eyes and has had to see the eye doctor every 3 to 6 months for years. The problem is they are always so hard, even disastrous for my younger child, a boy (6) who is VERY active. My daughter is still scared of the chair, so she needs to sit in my lap and my son is usually going crazy being very disruptive. She has an appointment next week and I am already dreading it…please HELP!
Tracy’s Answer
Wow, that sure does sound challenging, I am so sorry you and your children having been going through this for years, what a bummer!
OK, so I always like to think about what the underlying needs are that are causing the behavior. Is he bored? Is he hungry? Is he tired? Which reminds me of a good slogan to remember as parents H A L T…Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Remember to always check in with your kids about these things and to try to help them meet those needs before they cause an “unwanted” behavior
Next step is to ask the child who is having a tough time at the appointment what is bothering them most about going to the appointment. Ask the direct question to the child, “What don’t you like about going to the eye doctor” (because this is a client of mine, I really got to ask this to him) He said, he didn’t like that his sister gets ALL the attention, he wants attention! BRILLIANT! The mother had already tried everything else, bringing toys, food…etc…nothing was “working”! In a way this is the L in HALT, the child was lonely at the eye doctor, because everyone was focusing on his sister!! What a bore for a very active little boy!
So then we went on to looking for solutions. I asked him how we could include him, maybe while he was there he could do the eye test by reading the eye chart letters, or ask the doctor to explain interesting things about the eyes during the exam. He liked those ideas. We also asked him if he would rather go to someones house and stay for the afternoon, instead of coming to the appointment, he said sure if he could stay with X and do Y while he was there I love how kids will tell you exactly how things should be done! Mom said she would look into it, yet if he does go along she has some new strategies to try.
1 comment April 9, 2009
Tags: creative problem solving, doctors, H A L T, new ideas, parenting, wanting attention
When my kids fight with each other, I feel angry
Hi Tracy, I found you from the Rethinking Education event. I have SIX daughters and my question is, when my kids fight with each other, I feel angry with both of them for being mean to each other. If I say anything to either of them, then it looks like I’m taking sides. If I ignore, it, they come to me wanting input. I try to stay out of it and say things like “Well, you both seem very angry” and they both end up angrier with me for not helping them work it out. Any ideas for dealing with this, without taking sides or stepping in too much? I just want them to go away when they fight, I hate the sound of it.
Tracy’s Answer
Good question and a couple of juicy tidbits First off, I have to commend you on your awareness that you feel angry when they fight. You are owning that, not blaming them by saying “they make me so mad”. It is also a juicy tidbit…a place where you can look inside yourself and try to find the root cause of your anger. This is my first suggestion…take a few quiet moments to be with yourself, grab a pen and paper, close your eyes and take three deep breathes and ask yourself the question “why do I feel angry when the girls fight?” Now, open your eyes and start writing, don’t think about what you are writing, just let it flow. Hopefully you will gain some insight into your own anger. Come up with an affirmation that you can remember and say to yourself the next time the girls fight. Example: “Even though I feel angry when the girls fight, I completely accept myself and I accept them” or “I know that when I was little I hated to hear people fight, it scared me, yet now I am grown up and there is truly nothing to be scared of , or angry about.” After you locate what is really bothering you and have a strategy to help yourself, you will be better able to help the girls
The next part of this question is about how to help the girls during a fight. Everyone has different temperaments and personalities and in your case you have alot of people under one roof…so you have many more opportunities to have challenges <g>. So the first thing I would suggest is figuring out each persons needs, which girl wants your help to figure out conflicts and which girl wants you to stay out of it. Sometimes, usually often, we can not talk it out or reason well while in the midst of chaos, so we need to talk later after things have cooled down. Remembering that safety always comes first, yet if everyone is safe and they are not needing your help, it is totally fine just to stay out of it.
You are the “expert” on your children. Next time they have a fight, depending on who is involved precede accordingly. You will know what to do because you have talked with each of them privately about what they need from you during a conflict with their sisters. Here are some strategies that I hope will help…
Mom Strategies When Siblings Fight
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Stay calm and centered
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Make sure everyone is safe
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Assist when asked or when your mom intuition tells you to help
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When things calm down share strategies that you have learned over the years regarding conflict, the best way to “teach” our children the skills they need is to model them and share real life experiences!
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Help the kids talk it out when things have calmed, yet only if they are wanting to!
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Talk, Talk, Talk…share with them how you feel, what you noticed, what you need and request what you would like.
Here is an article I wrote about communication that might help http://www.transformingfamily.com/content/compassionate_communication.asp
Another resource: The Center For Non Violent Communication http://www.cnvc.org/
Please feel free to comment back and let me know if you found this helpful or tell us what worked or didn’t work for your family Thanks for writing and remember to subscribe to my blog by clicking on the “daily dose” tab in the right hand column!
Add a comment March 26, 2009
Tags: anger, fighting, kids, parenting, siblings, solutions
Cooperative Bedtimes?
You are feeling flexible about time, but what you need is peace. Your goal is that everyone is happy and quiet, because you know your Husband will not be happy if things are loud and out of control. So now you have located the needs, next step is creative problem solving which means you should come up with some ideas of how to make all this happen, and ask the rest of the family for suggestions also. Talk to the kids about the needs of your Husband and yourself, ask them for suggestions, maybe they could play in their rooms with the door closed or down in the basement or rec room. Add a comment March 24, 2009
Tags: Bedtime, consensual living, creative problem solving, new ideas, parenting
Helping Children Adjust to New Baby
2 comments March 23, 2009
Tags: acting out, New Baby, parenting, siblings, wanting attention
Welcome To The New Ask Tracy Blog
My hope here is to help parents find inspired, creative solutions to their family challenges
Add a comment March 23, 2009
